History of the Beard: Part IX The Final All Encompassing Chapter

Good day my fellow Beard Lovers. Before we get into this wonderous installment of The History of the Beard let me first take a couple moments of your precious time to make a few necessary announcements. First I would like to congratulate all the beard growers on their Hairy accomplishments. It was a long shaggy month and I think I speak for everyone when I say there was nary a more beardalicious time had in all of bearded history. I would also like to thank the judges for their brave and nonpartisan work in the judging last night. I was fortunate enough to be declared the best in show but the real winners were all the lucky souls who were witness to our magnificent manscapes. And I feel everyone showed exemplary beardsmanship throughout the competition. I would also like to thank my dedicated readers of the "History of the Beard" series. I honestly had no idea it was such a popular post. Had I known I would have made a greater effort to keep up on the posting, internet or not. Finally, I would like to thank Rambo and the Danimal for their collaboration and foresight to put together such a wonderful project such as this. Not only has it caused us all to grow epic beardage but also to grow closer as a proud band of bearded brothers united in this largely beardless time. You two have started a revolution on the faces of men across the planet. It is your guidance that inspires and lights the path for many other beard hopefulls in this dark and beardless time.


Ok this is where the Beard History begins anew. When we last left off the Beard was in its darkest hour; A new and more deadly strand of "the common facial folical erridicatus" had ravaged the new world leaving the colonies largely beardless. This sad episode nearly cost our great country is birth for without the beard the Americans had no advantage over the Brits. Fortunately King George III's head was full of rot and his beardless decree forced the entire empire to shave down and go beardless (a little known fact is that before the revolution a major reason for dissent amongst the Americans was the Shave down decree. A popular slogan of the time was No Shavation without Representation. To combat this England sent many Beard enforcers to the Americas but their clean faces were often "Tared and Haired", thus giving an appearance of a beard, by disgruntled colonists). By the time he realized his blunder it was too late and the wounded soldiers had brought back to Europe the new deadly strand of the disease which raveged the European continent for years to come. As luck would have it America did win this war and forged a new Nation in which no law has ever been implemented to prohibit the growth, length or style of beardage.

Unfortuately the end of the war did not mark the end of the beard disease. Its devestating effects were felt for years afterwards. However, by our sixth president, John Quincy Adams (the original son of a president) the fight against "the common facial folical erradicatus" began to show signs of success. As you can see in this dashing photo (the first ever taken of a president) Adam's sideburns are nearly able to cover his chin. This show of beardage should have turned the tide showing the world that indeed the damage the disease hath wrought was not everlasting. But mankind had grown used to the folicalless face and had all but forgotten the lessons of the past, he who hath beard kickth ass. Even with J. Q. A.'s facial folical fortitude and his ingenius advertising scheme (become president of the U.S. to show the country and the world that beards were back) beards failed to catch the alure of the masses at large. The Power of Adam's beard was great (how else could he have won the election with less than a majority of the popular vote) but the public were too blind to see it. And so the beard remained in darkness for decades occasionally a beard would pop up here and there but as a whole the beard was on the brink of extinction. It is no coincidence that during this time there were countless problems on the frointeer with the beardless Native Americans and without the wisdom of the beard to guide us the institution of slavery was spreading ever further into the west. A few great men such as Nat Turner displayed the awesome power of the beard to first discover the wrongness of slavery and then to use its power to rebel against this unholly institution. However, being so vastly out numbered these rebellions were ultimately put down (Nat Turner Seen on Left).

Then just when all seemed lost the beard came back with a vengence. What is now known to be a rare population wide generational genetic mutation, occured beginning in the late 1850s and spanning through the 1900s. The genes responsible for the growth of beards had gone unused for too long and mother nature was taking over. All men whether they wanted to or not grew beards in some ilk or another. Many chose to flaunt the full beard while others got all sick wit it and molded several enduring fashions. This era also saw a rise in wisdom. Railroads were recognized as a major benefit to transportation and the government began funding projects such as the Transcontinental railroad, and also the institution of slavery was recognized by many as wrong. However, the bearded wisdom in the south also saw the institution of slavery as profitable and this led to a confrontation between the states that could only be decided on the battlefield. (Can you find a beardless Bloke in this managere of Railroad execs?)

The Civil War also know as the Industrial Golden Age of beardom. The Ameican Civil War was the most bloody conflict in American History. This is because of the beards ability to give men superior combat abilities. It was proven in Rome's rise and its downfall, the success of the Vikings, the near invincibility it gave to European colonists and will be shown again in the future (as we shall see). I cannot begin to mention the innumerable impacts the beard had on this war. But a quick look at the pictures of northern leaders shows us why the north eventually bested the south. Lincoln's beard was bigger the Jefferson Davis' (president of the C.S.A.) And Grant's beard (leader of the Union forces at the end of the war) was scragglier than Lee's (leader of the Confederate forces Throughout the war). The South enjoyed easy victories in the beginning beacuse Lee and his full bearded Genreals were fighting against McClellan and is merely Moustached genreals. He later gave way to others such as John Pope (beardless lost 2nd battle of Bull Run and was removed), Ambrose Burnsides (lost Battle at Fredricksburg, not fully bearded), Joesph Hooker (Lost Battle at Chancelorsville, beardless) and then finally hit a winner with George Meade (Won battle of Gettysburg, long full beard). For more Civil War Beard greatness please view the civil war beardtage below (Warning this "tage" is set to music so if you are in class or something silence your computer before watching).

After the glorious end to the Civil War at Appomatox the beard did not fall by the wayside, instead it forged ahead as strong as it had ever been. Its great wisdom giving abilities adornded the faces of many presidents over the next several years (16th Lincoln full beard, 17th Andrew Johnson no beard and seen as a total failure, 18th Grant full beard, 19th Rutherford Hayes Long full beard, 20th James Garfield long full beard, 21st Chester Arthur massive chops, 22nd Grover Cleveland first to sport the Pornstache and not coincidentally first to get married while in office, 23rd Benjamin Harrison full beared, 24th Grover Cleveland again Pornstache, 25th William McKinley no beard thus Assasinated, 26th Teddy Roosevelt also with the pornstache, 27th William Taft again Pornstache).

This catapults us into the early 1900s which is typically known as the progressive era. Sadly, this era ushered in a new dark day for the beard. Our 28th Woodrow Wilson the openly antisemitic member of the KKK was obviously beardless. His lack of beard wisdom and beard manlyness failed to keep us out of World War I, which gave us such great beard staches as those worn by Otto Von Bismark (seen on the right). If not for the sheer number of enemies Germany faced (France, Russia, Great Britian, and eventually the U.S. Germany's beards surely would have carried the day). With the conclusion of WWI the world would soon find itself in a dark and dank depression. This is most likely due to the lack of beard wisdom during this time. The 1920s and 1930s were a time inwhich islotionism amongst countries was the norm and because of this the memory of all the beard had done for man in the past again faded from memory. Because people weren't mingling and discussing their bearded ancestories they tried to forge a life in the clean shaven world. Americans were hit especially hard during this time because the lack of bearded wisdom enabled enough votes to put into the constitution the Prohibition Amendment banning the manufacturing, purchasing, and consuming of Alcohol. This idea was strongly supported by beardless persons across the nation.

The world was finally catapulted out of this funk with the onset of WWII. This war would surely have been a defeat for the allies as none of the allied leaders (save Joesph Stalin's Iron Moustache) adorned even a single facial folical. But again the Allies outnumbered and outproduced the Germans to ultimately win the war. It is no coincidence that the man who invented the atomic bomb had a moustache.

The beard lay dorment for a decade or so after this great war and then once again burst on the scene with the Hippies. Sadly, hippies didn't know how to use their beards for the betterment of mankind and their often unkempt look gave the beard a bad name. However, their contribution to society cast the beard in an earthy mother nature loves facial hair and so should you kind of light. Which endures to this day.

And so time has marched ahead and the beard has remained a forgotten power source. Sure its had its glimpses of modern success but it hasn't yet enjoyed an era of acceptance like it did in centuries past. No one can predict when the beard will be called on again to push mankind futher than he knew he could go but one thing is certian every male is only about a month or so away from attaining centuries of bearded manliness and wisdom. GO BEARDS!