Swan Song: Week 4

So here I am on week 4 of this beard off. I'm pretty happy with the results thus far, as it looks like my beard is coming in darker and fuller now. Happy Halloween!

The Beardage Treatment

First, I present the following photos as proof-positive that my beardage is fierce, well above and beyond the competition:




Second, I have found the best method for keeping my beard fierce, thick and fabulous. Check the program:

1. Beardage care is no different than the care for the hair on your dome. When it isn't treated, cleaned, and groomed, the beardage becomes a burden, due to oily secretions that irritate the skin. I prefer using a standard dandruff-preventative shampoo, and as I wash my hair and scalp, I get some additional shampoo for the beard.

2. Once it's clean, now it's time for some hair treatment. There's a citrus-scented conditioner that not only smells amazing when I applied, but it sets off a tingling sensation that refreshes the scalp.

3. The final step is Scalpicin. A nifty little squirt or two applied to the chin and sideburns, then rubbed into the beardage, comforts the skin and prevents rashes or itching that people who aren't used to accepting their hirsute potential will love.

Top it all off with a beard comb; repeat at least every other day. And it works, too.

Peace, love, and hair grease,

Marcus (Beard-spiration: Professor T)

Week Three O-Diggitron Update!

Yea, verily, I say unto thee...

As I sit in my apartment, contemplating getting liquored up before reading my students' latest writing project (trust me, it helps), I think it's only appropriate to toss in some odd Biblical references regarding the beardophile and the hirsute.

Today's reading comes from the book of 2 Samuel, chapter 10. King David sent ambassadors to Hanun, king of the Ammonites, as a symbol of peace between Ammon and Israel. Hanun, a xenophobe that would give Sean Hannity a run for his money, responded by seizing David's men, shaving off half of each man's beard. To add to the humiliation, he also cut their garments so their buttocks were showing. Half beards and full moons; how devastating that must be to a man's pride (unless you're Prince, of course, in which case that's considered standard business attire.)

Rambo Week 3 Weigh In

The thinker...

and the smiler?

Week 3 brought more beardecdotes.  Several people have commented on the robustness of my beard but also that Dan's is better. 

Swan Song: Week 3

So here I am now on week 3 of the beard off. Things are coming along nicely and my beard is looking somewhat full. Not too shabby.

History of Beards at WMU

Beards have long been a tradition in academia.  As English teachers I think it is important to embrace our affection towards dorky sweaters and interesting man manes.  

Take this guy for example.  I have no idea who he us, but he has a nice little goat beard and he clearly owns a lot of books.  Put those two things together: you have a bearded academic.

While at the University Archives with my English 1000 students, one of them came across an article from the Western Herald that explained a beard growing contest that took place during the Homecoming season in the glorious year 1954.  According to the Herald, "all men who could grow chin whiskers were invited to participate in a beard growing contest."  

Our beard off is the first of such contests in quite a while that I have heard of at WMU.  Perhaps, we are bringing back the trend of chin whiskers.  Or even more perhaps, we are bringing back the spirit of camaraderie that inevitably comes with a beard growing contest. 

Progress after 3 weeks... (I think, I can't remember when this started.)

It's true, Meghan is always in the background of beardage progress. What is she looking at? Even though this photo was taken only minutes ago, I can't really remember. It was probably awesome though.

As for the beard, I'm pretty happy with it. As for the hair...it needs a cutting.

History of the Beard: Part VIII The Age of Revolution

This post is not for the weak of heart as this era in history is a truly dark time for beards. As we will see in future installments of this ongoing series beards occasionally go through droughts for a generation or two. This natural phenomena is often completely inexplicable. But, the lack of beards in the American Revolution is explainable. This era saw a last rush in the debearding virus "the common facial folical eradicatus". Many of the founding fathers were born in an area of the country where this disease had been eradicated. However, with the opening of the frontier and settlers seeking new lands over the appilacian mountians a new strand of the virus was transported back into the eastern seaboard. This disease left many mens (founders included) faces folicalless. This had a significant effect on the American's ability to beat the British who also were beardless. That's all for this sad instalment of History of the Beard. If your depressed about the lack of beardage involved in the formation of our country don't fret too much and think back on all the beardly contributions beards have made throughout mans furry rise to dominance. Go BEARDS!


(P.S. no pictures today but if anyone can find a bearded founding father please do share)

Problem

I've tried to post History of the Beard: Part VII the Colonial Age but for some reason an error comes up and won't allow me to post it. If anyone wants to go into the saved drafts and try to post it that would be cool.

History of the Beard: Part VII Colonial Age

Ah, The Colonial age. This age was yet another glorious era of Beardage. And perhaps the most famous of them all was John Smith. Many of us will remember John Smith as a dashing chap that stole the heart of the young and beautiful Pocahontas in the Disney classic Pocahontas. Unfortunately for the masses of us Disney fans the illustrators got it wrong wrong wrong. John Smith (as you can see on the left) adorned a brilliant beard. As for Disney's version, well lets just say its no wonder their John Smith got wounded and had to leave (notice there version on the right: see anything different?). But that's Hollywood and they seldom get anything right. Lets deal with the real John Smith. He was the only person with the beard and the skills capable of handling the first city (Jamestown) in the new world. It is a historical fact that John Smith was the first person to sport a full beard while living in the Western Hemisphere. This was no small feat. It is commonly known that Native Americans were highly susceptible to European diseases. However, what is less known is that there was a Native disease that plagued many of the early colonists. This plague was known as "the common facial folical erradicatus". For reasons still unknown to historians and scientists the Native Americans never developed an immunity to this disease (which is why they were all beardless). Unfortunately for many colonists this disease ran rampant over their beards claiming their noble facial follicles. This lack of beards on the part of the colonists is why so many other colonies like Roanoke failed. A lack of beardage leveled the playing field between Indians and colonists. John Smith's superb beard growing ability allowed his colony to survive. Eventually Europeans (many of whom were from John Smiths Linage) developed immunity to this disease which I am proud to say has gone completely extinct. For sure there were many other notable beards during this era; however, John Smith is the true beginning of the beard in the Americas. Go BEARDS!

O-Diggitron's Week Two Update

Week two came and went and the beard machine keeps chugging away.

Animal Beards

Humans are not the only creatures on this majestic planet that understand the power and potential of beards. Many inhabitants of the animal world choose to cultivate impressive displays of facial hair. Such as this "gruff" old fellow:

Of course, not all exhibitors of animal beards are as adorable as he is. Some would just as soon bite your damn head off as they would give you the time of day. The beard of this outrageous beast is so extensive that it completely circles his head and travels halfway down his belly:

Yet another type of animal has developed a type of beard so unique that it isn't even made of hair. This desert-dwelling rogue uses its beard not only to attract mates, but to intimidate tiny beardless mammals such as shrews and voles:

These are but a few of the denizens of the animal kingdom who have developed the ability to grow beards. Unfortunately, their limited use of language has often prevented animals from joining with humans as true beard brothers. With the help of a very special bearded intermediary, steps have been taken to remedy this problem, as this picture from the first annual "Beards Without Inter-Species Borders" convention in St. Paul, Minnesota, illustrates:

Sweetums is neither man nor beast, but he is all beard.

The Beard Whisperer: Still Whisperin' In Week 2

Solid, if unspectacular, progress this week.

The beard and I are going to have to turn it up a notch if we want to keep up with the pack. Also, my neck beard is getting gnarly, but I refuse to shave it. We have summoned the power of the wild, and now must heed its call.

Also, we are too lazy.

Hockey: A Beard Paradise

Hockey has long been a mysterious game to those of us who live beneath the geographic hat that is Canada (and the UP because its Canada Lite).  Beards have long been a tradition in hockey culture, mostly because the only razors hockey players had were the ones strapped to their feet.  The beardemic has become so good that the mascots even wear beards.  Once the post-season quest for the Stanley Cup begins, many players (even the goalies) grow beards and refuse to shave until they are defeated.  

Playoffbeard.com has come up with an awesome way of scoring beards.  Its worth checking out.

Now, time to check out some of the best and worst hockey beards.

Check out all that beardage!  

End of Week Two

I feel very happy with my distribution. Not only am I thoroughly patch-free, but my lines are even. The top of my beard was once compared to the line of a mountainscape. The compliments I receive on my Scruff McGruff are frequent and appreciated.

I also have to concur with Owen that neck shaving is A plus. We are professionals, after all.

Rambo's Week 2 Weigh In

Hey hey hey!!

Well, its been two weeks and now its time to document the progress my beard has made. 

From a glance, it looks like my beard is coming in pretty fully, especially in the goatee area.  As many have pointed out, my mustache is "very naice!"  Also, the chin strap is beginning to fill in quite nicely.  I'm anticipating a decent beard at the end of the beard off, but not to the extent of my beardsperation, Hagrid.  I think I overestimated my beardabilities, but hey, you 

live and you learn... then you get more realistic expectations of your machismo.  

In this photo,  you can see some patchiness in the connection between the sideburns, the mustache, and the beard.  My beardersection is not yet paved with man mane, but I think its starting to bloom.  

 

Mr. Saturday Nights Beardtage thru week 2

There are a couple days missing but this beardtage shows my growth over the last couple weeks. Enjoy.

Swan Song: Week 2

So here's how the beard is going after 2 weeks in the beard off. Overall, I'm fairly satisfied with how my beard is doing, it's coming in thicker now so that's pretty sweet. Still need to work on the 'connector' pieces, that area of beard that connects the mustache to the chin, but those parts are slowly coming in. And when this is all done, I'll be rocking a playboy mustache!

In the spirit of fair play...

Dear fellow competitors:

I have noticed over the past week and a half that my beard is growing at a rate much faster than any of my fellow competitors. Several factors (my aggressive masculinity, my maturity, my overall pimp-ness, etc.) has contributed to my advantage. I believe that this advantage may be a little unfair to the fuzzies who secretly envy my hirsuteness. Therefore, in the spirit of fair play and modesty, I offer the following alternatives to keep things level:

1. A one-time offer of free testosterone to any competitor who so desires. This product should be easy to acquire, since it does seep from my pores on a regular basis. Requests must be made in person, performed on bended knee or in the traditional bow reserved for royalty, and include the words "I'm not worthy," or "You're that fly mutha--shut yo' mouth."

2. Recommendations for medical facilities that are willing to experiment with hair grafts to your chin to make up for the difference. Please keep in mind that these facilities are not particular and may pull hair from any location--any location. Let's just say that you might end up with an extra curly beard. I hope for your sake that the curtains match the drapes.

3. I will also volunteer to shave my beard halfway through the competition. The setback this will place on me will only be temporary, since my hair follicles reproduce quite quickly. I have often likened them to little Hanukkah menorahs. One patch can produce enough hair to sustain a beard for eight days. Dreidle, dreidle, dreidle!

Please don't feel offended by the fabulous growth which coats my chin. This is just the product of years of matured manliness and pimp appeal at work.

Peace, love, and hair grease,

Marcus (Beard-spiration: Professor T)

Beard maintenance?

For those of you who's beards are growing in nice and strong, any tips on beard maintenance? Recently, I've started shampooing my beard and massaging in Scalpicin to relieve the itching. So far, it's working. I still want to find something that can make my hair smooth and soft. Get your girlfriends in on this; I need fashion tips!


Marcus (Beard-spiration: Mr. T)

History of the Beard: Part VI The Age of Exploration

The Age of Exploration. When was it you ask? Well many historians would say that it began with Columbus' "discovery" of America which we all know was previously discovered by Native Americans and then again nearly 500 years earlier by the Vikings (see History of the Beard Part IV) So as much as I hate to admit it this era did begin with the blind stupidity and luck of the Beardless Columbus in 1492. However, even though this age was ushered in by a man who can only be described as a raving lunatic, those brave souls that followed in his footsteps... er wake steps? were bearded and for good reason. First and foremost amongst these brave bearded lads was none other than Hernando Cortes. Cortes discovered the Aztec Empire. Many historians will say that his discovery and eventual conquering of the Aztecs was due to his superior weapons, tactics, and in a large part to luck. Unfortunately, the Historians are once again all wrong. Cortes, as any fool can see, had a large and glorious beard. As all bearded men know beards are what give us our sixth sense (the ability to never get lost) women sadly do not have beards and thus lack this carnal instinct. The reason beards allow for men to always know where they are is simple. Beard hair is much different than the other types of hair on a person's body, its much more wire like. Wire as we all know is made from metal and metal is magnetic and magnetism can be used to find the direction north (like in a compass). As a compass the beard (as we have seen with other forms of intellect) constantly sends signals to the brain telling it which way the body is moving, as usually this communication happens via the sideburns. This is How Cortes found the Aztecs. Upon arrival in Aztec country Cortes was greeted as a God (most likely because God also has a beard) and given whatever he pleased. Unfortunately for the Aztecs what pleased Cortes was gold. At first the Aztecs were only too happy to trade Cortes gold but when they failed to deliver him to the alleged "City of Gold" he decided they must all die. Now to the average man this would have seemed suicidal. Cortes had a few Hundred men and the Aztecs had a few hundred thousand. But what Cortes lacked in man power he made up for in Facial Follicles. As we have seen in both Parts III and IV the beard gives man superior fighting abilities. This was no different in the New World. None of the Aztecs had beards, while all of the Spanish did. Needless to say it was a slaughter. This same series of events would be replayed over and over as the bearded Europeans took over tribe after beardless tribe. This was not the proudest time for bearded men as we now recognize genocide to be wrong. But not all glorious bearded knowledge comes at once. Go BEARDS!

Response to Mr. Saturday Night's Wizard Beard Post

Has anyone ever considered how close Charles Manson and Jim Morrison resemble one another?  Could this be a pictorial manifestation of the fine line between insanity and brilliance?  Or, perhaps, this could be a new revelation; Jim Morrison IS Charles Manson! See for yourself. 

At any rate, these two men were the best at what they did, all while donning some excellent man manes.  Whether your business is the systematic ordering of murder or the systematic arrangement of some wicked grooves, wearing a beard is clearly essential to your success.

 

History of the Beard: Part V The Middle Ages

I know what you're thinking: didn't we already do this? In short, no. The dark ages (400-1100) and the Middle ages are two different ages (1100-1600). As the darkness gave way to the middleness the role and style of the beard changed. As we saw the role of the beard in the dark ages was kicking barbarian and roman ass. The style was big bushy and glorious. However, in the middle ages many unwise individuals stopped sporting the bearded look. This new fad was most popular amongst royalty. However, the true geniuses of the time were all bearded. Leonardo Da Vinci has been remembered throughout the ages as one of the smartest men to ever live. Not only was his genius realized in art but also in his inventions and his contributions to science. Da Vinci's beard was long and flowing (much like God's Beard). The elegance of his flowing mane not only made him appear wise but also made him litterally wiser. It is common for a man to stroke his beard when he ponders things (this act was also invented by Da Vinci). The stroking of a beard, especially the chin hairs, causes a build up a static electricity when a sufficient charge is built the electricity is released up the beard and directly into the brain. This electrical discharge jolts the brain full of energy and allows it to more effieciently complete thoughts (this is where the term "sparking an idea" derives). Because of the soft texture and flowingness of Da Vinci's beard a much bigger static charge was able to form and thus his sparks were more powerful and triggered greater ideas. His beard was useful in other ways as well. For example Da Vinci was able to use his beard hairs as paint brush bristles. As Da Vinci would learn beards make superb painting instruments. There were other bearded greats such as Michelangelo, and King Henry the VIII who's bearded wisdom gave us Divorce and Protestantism (sort of). So eventhough the Middle ages was a less beard friendly era than the Dark Ages there were still many great bearded men. Go BEARDS!

Weekend progress!

Wokka wokka, 

I just realized my beard suffered a huge growth spurt over the weekend.  Check it out. 

Notification of Beardage

When I'm not being an amazing teacher or venturing out in the woods to commune with my own masculinity, I help a large regional retailer make much more money than they pay me or my colleagues. I sometimes refer to this activity as my "job" or "state of living death." Anyway, the company's Dress and Grooming policy reads, in part:

Head and facial hair must be clean and well-groomed... Male team members should be clean shaven unless growing a beard or mustache. The team member should then inform their team leader that they are doing so. Beards, mustaches, and sideburns should be neatly trimmed. Sideburns must be of reasonable length.

As much as I would love sticking it to the man and ignoring this outlandish obligation to notify management about a beard, I also recognize an opportunity for humor when I see one. Perhaps actually adhering to this policy is even more ridiculous than the fact that it exists in the first place. Maybe informing management about my facial hair could be construed as what the British call "taking the piss." If so, count me in. With that in mind, here's the text of the memo I have given to my boss, notifying her of my impending beardage:

[name deleted],

This purpose of this memo is to inform you, in accordance with [company deleted] Policy #0183, Dress and Grooming (Retail), that I am growing a beard. This decision is expected to have little to no impact on my ability to perform the functions of my job. In fact, the only change, noticeable or otherwise, is that hair will be present on my face where in the past there has been none.

Facial hair occurs naturally on the cheeks, neck, chin, and upper lip of most adult males. Often, it is removed with the help of a bladed instrument and a lathering or lubricating agent. For the foreseeable future, I will omit this task from my daily life and allow the facial hair to freely proliferate. As stated above, this will have negligible effects on my job performance.

Thank you for your support and understanding concerning this sensitive issue. I hope that this document fulfills my responsibilities as outlined in Policy #0183.

Kind regards,

Darius Goebel

O-Diggitron's Week 1 Progress

The week started out slower than I would have liked, with very little stubble on the first day; however, I found myself satisfied with the overall result.


Also, I think everyone can now see why I insisted on a Neck Shaving clause in our original statement of rules; the neck hair is already getting itchy...

Le week-end.

How beardtastic was everyone's weekend?  I think my beard was a catalyst for conversation since most of the people I saw this weekend haven't seen me since early summer.  So far, I've gotten rave reviews as bearded Rambo.

Here are the Summer 2008 Top 5 Bearded Albums according to Fear the Beard . org

  

The Beard Whisperer: Week One

It's been a slow start, but I'm expecting to pick up speed soon. On a positive note: no patchiness!

There's still a long way to go before I reach the manly maverickosity of Jeremiah Johnson.