The Beard/Sorcery Connection: What You Didn't Learn in School

As is commonly known, beards can act as antennae for spiritual energies and mystical forces, both benevolent and malevolent. Anyone who has ever watched The Lord of the Rings knows that wizards always, always, have beards. This is no accident or mere visual representation of their ascetic devotion to sorcery. The beards actually help to generate and enhance their spells.

Throughout history, the power elite have recognized and feared the esoteric powers of the beard. Their attempts at suppressing the use (and, regrettably, occasional misuse) of magical powers in conjunction with beards have been largely successful. Wizards have been forced underground, to study their arcane ways in secret. Yet they are still among us, watching, and waiting for the time when magnificent beards and awe-inspiring feats of sorcery will once again be allowed to openly influence the course of human history, as they did during the time of America's most famous wizard: Abraham Lincoln. Yes, the preservation of our union could not have been accomplished by one man alone; only a man and a powerful beard could do it.

All the greatest wizards and sorcerers did not disappear after the close of the Civil War, either. Many have continued the legacy. But you have every reason to fear for their safety. It is a little known fact that at the time of his death, Jim Morrison was extremely close to transforming from The Lizard King, which sounds stupid and lame, into The Wizard King, which sounds imposing and majestic. Skeptical that the lead singer of a pop group and questionable poet could be a powerful wizard? This photograph is all the proof you need:

You guessed it. Jim Morrison was in Paris learning ancient powers of enchantment when he was eliminated by a shadowy, beardless cabal of international fascists with ties to the CIA, the KGB, the IMF, Shell Oil, the Priory of Sion, and the makers of Barbasol. And no one can prove otherwise.