History of the Beard: Part IV The Dark Ages

Has there ever been a better time for beards than the dark ages? I think any historian might struggle to find one. During the dark ages Europe was invaded by a multitude of peoples. Barbarian hoards such as: The Lombards, The Goths, The Visigoths, The Bulgars, The Huns, The Vandals, The Avars, The Magyars, and my personal favorite The Vikings. Many of these tribes followed in the footsteps of the Huns taking their turn at sacking Rome and then picked out a plot of land to settle. For many tribes like the Huns and Lombars and Avars and Goths this was fun and easy. Rome was a bunch of rich babbling beardless idiots who deserved to have their greedy furless faces cut off. However, after awhile killing Romans lost its sport and, more importantly, its profit. So the tribes had to fight each other for wealth and power. This was all fun and good but much more expensive. Because barbarians all have beards (its rule 2 of being a barbarian second only to being bloodthirsty and godless) killing them is difficult even though you yourself are bearded and channeling beard powers. This went on for a few centuries when the final rush of barbarians would explode onto the scene and kick all the other barbarians bearded asses. Enter The Vikings. The Vikings first cut their teeth on the pussys at Lindsfarne (small, but wealthy, monastary just off the eastern coast of England). These Beardless monks didn't stand a chance not because they were caught entirely by suprise, had no fighting experience, no defensive structures, and no weapons, but because they lacked the necessary facial folicals. I'm sure they tried praying to their nicely bearded Diety (see History of the beard 1.1) but He wasn't having it. After the Vikings saw how kick ass they were with beards they went bezerk with raiding. Some of their favorite targets included: England, Ireland, France, Northern Africa, Russia, Italy, The Middle East, The Near East, Spain, and Germany. Soon all of Barbarian Europe trembled under the Might of the Viking beard. To combat the Vikings France gave them modern day Normandy, England capitulated Eastern England, the Byzantine Emperor employeed the finest Viking Warriors in his personal bodyguard called "The Varangians". Vikings also used their bearded wisdom to find and settle in many forgien lands. Vikings setteled: Iceland, Greenland, The Farroes, the Shetlands, and most notably Newfounland around 1000 A.D. (For those of you keeping score at home that would be a solid 492 years before the beardless bafoon Columbus accidentally stubbled into Cuba). Historians choose to remember this era of history as a Dark Lawless time, which it most certianly was, but I like to think of it in a more positive light: The Golden Age of Beardom. Go BEARDS!