In the spirit of fair play...

Dear fellow competitors:

I have noticed over the past week and a half that my beard is growing at a rate much faster than any of my fellow competitors. Several factors (my aggressive masculinity, my maturity, my overall pimp-ness, etc.) has contributed to my advantage. I believe that this advantage may be a little unfair to the fuzzies who secretly envy my hirsuteness. Therefore, in the spirit of fair play and modesty, I offer the following alternatives to keep things level:

1. A one-time offer of free testosterone to any competitor who so desires. This product should be easy to acquire, since it does seep from my pores on a regular basis. Requests must be made in person, performed on bended knee or in the traditional bow reserved for royalty, and include the words "I'm not worthy," or "You're that fly mutha--shut yo' mouth."

2. Recommendations for medical facilities that are willing to experiment with hair grafts to your chin to make up for the difference. Please keep in mind that these facilities are not particular and may pull hair from any location--any location. Let's just say that you might end up with an extra curly beard. I hope for your sake that the curtains match the drapes.

3. I will also volunteer to shave my beard halfway through the competition. The setback this will place on me will only be temporary, since my hair follicles reproduce quite quickly. I have often likened them to little Hanukkah menorahs. One patch can produce enough hair to sustain a beard for eight days. Dreidle, dreidle, dreidle!

Please don't feel offended by the fabulous growth which coats my chin. This is just the product of years of matured manliness and pimp appeal at work.

Peace, love, and hair grease,

Marcus (Beard-spiration: Professor T)