History of the Beard: Part I

Historians have long pondered why Neanderthals went extinct after Cromagnons appeared on the scene. Some have proposed theories of Genocide or interbreeding. These theories are all wrong. The real reason lies in the beautiful Facial Folical. Beards have been around since the dawn of man. It was first invented by accident when Ugh lost his Mach 3 Clovis point shaver. Because Ugh was a rather lazy individual he did not craft a new Mach 3 Clovis point shaver. After a couple days of not shaving Ugh's manscape soon took full form. At first all the other clean shaven Cromagnons laughed at poor Ugh for his face looked a much like a Wooly Mamoths. His clan even went so far as to force Ugh to sleep outside the cave because they didn't want any "Wooly Mamoths" stinking up the cave. One day Ugh went out hunting, now usually Cromagnons hunted in groups because they needed large numbers to track and kill their prey, but Ugh was forced to hunt alone given his now glorious beard. However, this particular day the large hunting group came back empty handed. Ugh however, had single handedly killed a herd of Wooly Mamoths. His Wooly Mamoth like beard had allowed him to walk freely amongst the Mamoths: killing at will. Because Ugh had hunted so successfully his Clan soon accepted him and made him the Clan leader. His first decree was that all men throw away their Mach 3 Clovis shavers (which is why so many clovis points are found in Caveman digs today) and grow big, bushy, glorious beards. Soon cavemen everywhere were growing beards and hunting Wooly Mamoths with great effect. Unfortunately for the Neanderthals (who weren't as evolved as the Cromagnons) couldn't grow beards and thus couldn't hunt Mamoth as well and thus lost a vital food resource. Soon many Neanderthals starved to death and there kind were nary heard from again. The lesson we can all learn from this is that beards are the reason we were ever able to out do the Neanderthal race (who had larger brains mind you). Go BEARDS!!!