History of the Beard: Part VI The Age of Exploration

The Age of Exploration. When was it you ask? Well many historians would say that it began with Columbus' "discovery" of America which we all know was previously discovered by Native Americans and then again nearly 500 years earlier by the Vikings (see History of the Beard Part IV) So as much as I hate to admit it this era did begin with the blind stupidity and luck of the Beardless Columbus in 1492. However, even though this age was ushered in by a man who can only be described as a raving lunatic, those brave souls that followed in his footsteps... er wake steps? were bearded and for good reason. First and foremost amongst these brave bearded lads was none other than Hernando Cortes. Cortes discovered the Aztec Empire. Many historians will say that his discovery and eventual conquering of the Aztecs was due to his superior weapons, tactics, and in a large part to luck. Unfortunately, the Historians are once again all wrong. Cortes, as any fool can see, had a large and glorious beard. As all bearded men know beards are what give us our sixth sense (the ability to never get lost) women sadly do not have beards and thus lack this carnal instinct. The reason beards allow for men to always know where they are is simple. Beard hair is much different than the other types of hair on a person's body, its much more wire like. Wire as we all know is made from metal and metal is magnetic and magnetism can be used to find the direction north (like in a compass). As a compass the beard (as we have seen with other forms of intellect) constantly sends signals to the brain telling it which way the body is moving, as usually this communication happens via the sideburns. This is How Cortes found the Aztecs. Upon arrival in Aztec country Cortes was greeted as a God (most likely because God also has a beard) and given whatever he pleased. Unfortunately for the Aztecs what pleased Cortes was gold. At first the Aztecs were only too happy to trade Cortes gold but when they failed to deliver him to the alleged "City of Gold" he decided they must all die. Now to the average man this would have seemed suicidal. Cortes had a few Hundred men and the Aztecs had a few hundred thousand. But what Cortes lacked in man power he made up for in Facial Follicles. As we have seen in both Parts III and IV the beard gives man superior fighting abilities. This was no different in the New World. None of the Aztecs had beards, while all of the Spanish did. Needless to say it was a slaughter. This same series of events would be replayed over and over as the bearded Europeans took over tribe after beardless tribe. This was not the proudest time for bearded men as we now recognize genocide to be wrong. But not all glorious bearded knowledge comes at once. Go BEARDS!