Notification of Beardage

When I'm not being an amazing teacher or venturing out in the woods to commune with my own masculinity, I help a large regional retailer make much more money than they pay me or my colleagues. I sometimes refer to this activity as my "job" or "state of living death." Anyway, the company's Dress and Grooming policy reads, in part:

Head and facial hair must be clean and well-groomed... Male team members should be clean shaven unless growing a beard or mustache. The team member should then inform their team leader that they are doing so. Beards, mustaches, and sideburns should be neatly trimmed. Sideburns must be of reasonable length.

As much as I would love sticking it to the man and ignoring this outlandish obligation to notify management about a beard, I also recognize an opportunity for humor when I see one. Perhaps actually adhering to this policy is even more ridiculous than the fact that it exists in the first place. Maybe informing management about my facial hair could be construed as what the British call "taking the piss." If so, count me in. With that in mind, here's the text of the memo I have given to my boss, notifying her of my impending beardage:

[name deleted],

This purpose of this memo is to inform you, in accordance with [company deleted] Policy #0183, Dress and Grooming (Retail), that I am growing a beard. This decision is expected to have little to no impact on my ability to perform the functions of my job. In fact, the only change, noticeable or otherwise, is that hair will be present on my face where in the past there has been none.

Facial hair occurs naturally on the cheeks, neck, chin, and upper lip of most adult males. Often, it is removed with the help of a bladed instrument and a lathering or lubricating agent. For the foreseeable future, I will omit this task from my daily life and allow the facial hair to freely proliferate. As stated above, this will have negligible effects on my job performance.

Thank you for your support and understanding concerning this sensitive issue. I hope that this document fulfills my responsibilities as outlined in Policy #0183.

Kind regards,

Darius Goebel